It gives you awesome man-fuel for MASSIVE ULTIMATE MAN-REVENGE!

Death Wish, The Professional, Desperado, Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill, Get Carter, Gladiator, The Punisher, Taken, The Count of Monte Christo, Man on Fire, … so many wonderful, awesome, positive things that would have never happened if the soon-to-be death dealer’s family members hadn’t been taken from them in one way or another!

You can’t talk revenge, without mentioning Mel Gibson! He is the ultimate skull destroying revenge dominator as far as achieving satisfaction via family revenge! All the best parts of his acting career have been fueled by the murder of one or more of his family members. He is so good at family-man vengeance.

Even back at the beginning of his career, Mel’s ultra violent rampage of executions in Mad Max only began because of the killing of his wife, baby and best friend. As mentioned in an earlier blog, the murder of his new wife fueled an English killing rampage in Braveheart. Then in The Patriot, the deadly killer within, was revived by the death of his sons, and he went on to slaughter fuckloads of… Well….. ENGLISH… again! Yes, English.

Then in Ransom, he got all “GIVE ME BACK MY SON!”, totally lost his shit and then dominated an entire underground crime syndicate for kidnapping his son. In Signs, he valiantly protected his whole family from a bunch of alien jerks that wanted to do shit to them… AND THEN…

I only recently watched this, and had heard nothing about it, but from the first scene I knew what was going to go down. Bloodshed. There’s a good reason why in The Edge of Darkness, Mel Gibson’s daughter takes a twelve gauge shotgun blast to the chest in the very first scene of the movie…. Because you know, without a doubt, that for the following 100 or so minutes he is going to inflict vicious family man-havoc on the mother fuckers that did that to his daughter! And that’s what he did. Even at the end of the film, from beyond the grave, he got some help finishing the job from a bloke that he only just met on his path of righteousness.  By righteousness I mean bloody revenge.

What am I getting at by writing this blog?… Let me see. I think I forgot…. Oh, wait, that’s it.

Will there be bloody vengeance in our pilot? Will there be cleverly calculated retribution of the violent kind? Will one Van Vuuren summon a heavy cloud of revenge, and rain bloodshed on the masses for actions taken against the other Van Vuuren?

Yeah, totally.

Yeeeow.

This morning I drove into the city and got stuck in bumper to bumper peak hour traffic. Hustling for little moments of movement, fighting for tiny gaps, seeking opportunities to get one up on the car beside me, crawling forward in dribs and drabs like a legless soldier.

I found myself scurrying between lanes for an advancement in the queue, cutting in on other blank faces. And what for? So I could get to the city and take a seat at my desk, in my cubicle, in my office, on my floor, in my building, on my side of town. It was infuriating.

When I was in hospital, I told myself that I would never get the shits about traffic again.

I had now faced bigger problems, overcome a real world health disaster, and that was going to change my life for the better. I said to myself that I would never be angry about the little things that were insignificant. Like traffic. Who really cares if you are 10 minutes late, or if it takes you longer to get somewhere than you have planned? It’s not the end of the world! Why should Traffic really bother people so much? At least you can afford a car and have a job to go to.

But this morning, in the heat of the peak hour traffic, in the middle of the rat race, I had forgotten about my big life lesson. The flickering of break lights in front of me. Stop, start, stop, start, stop, start… Having to jam my feet on and off the clutch, and slam my foot on the brake was tiring. I felt like I was double kick-peddle drumming for Dragonforce (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jgrCKhxE1s) who I also happened to be listening to at the time. Maybe that wasn’t helping with the road rage that was building up inside me?

I was staring at one of the brake lights in front of me from a Nissan Skyline. They have these big round brake lights that look like eyes. It was flickering on and off with the stop/start of the traffic, staring at me like the red eye of a Terminator. It made me start thinking about big Cybernetic Terminator Robots smashing their way through the traffic, shooting fucking awesome laser beams at cars, blowing them to smitherines, punching holes through windscreens and dragging drivers out through the front glass, ripping them into two pieces and then moving to the next car. Bang, smash, slam, explode. And I started hearing that low roll of kettle drums from the Terminator music, and the those big metallic slamming stabs from the Terminator 2 music, and that got me super psyched.

I started imagining how cool it would be if I was a Terminator, and what I would do if I was trying to get to work at Skynet and there was traffic like this. I would just fucking pick cars up, and throw them out of my way, and then run along the top of other cars, and stomp big heavy smashy footprints into the tops of them, and just keep plowing my way forward until I got to the turn off I needed, and then jump into the car at the front of the queue and drive to work.

I wish I was a Terminator.

And then all of a sudden I started feeling better again! The traffic wasn’t pissing me off! Because I wasn’t just on my way to some desk, in some cubicle, in some office, on some floor, of some building, on some side of town. I was on my way to our new Production Office, where I would be working on our new TV pilot, and if me and Connor wanted to make ourselves fucking Terminators in that pilot, then we could, because we’ve got money to spend making it!

Well, maybe not enough money to make us awesome James Cameron Terminators, but maybe enough money to make us cruddy plasticy rubbery Terminators! But a Cyborg is a Cyborg in my book.

Today’s most urgent matters of business – how to make The Fully Sick Rapper into a Cyborg.

Look at me. I am like the Dr Nick of Directors.

“Hi everybody! I have a Productions Company! My computer is on fire. Is that bad?”

Today is my first day working in an office in 18 months, and just quietly, the hum of computers and pitter patter of fingers on keyboards has been giving me a semi. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m a mechaphile. Or maybe I’m just excited because it feels official that we are actually making a TV pilot.

After three months, four suicide attempts, seventeen creativity tantrums, six mental breakdowns and a total of five hours sleep, we have finally got the script to a point where we are happy with briefing other human beings and bringing them in on the project. The script isn’t finished yet, but it’s at a stage that’s reasonable for us to point at people, delegate duties and work out what will cost what. By making a graph and a spreadsheet.

In the first big turn of the Van Vuuren Bros corporate cog, we have made our first appointments to the “Sick” Production team, in hiring two highly capable Producers – Chloe Rickard of Jungleboys and Jason Harty of Radhart Pictures, who are going to help us manage the making of our pilot, and pull together all the different faces that we’ll need to do so. Basically, they are going to help us work out where we will be spending our $180,000 and with who! So if you are friends with either Jason or Chloe, then you’ll probably be getting some of our money soon.

At some stage we will be setting up a Production Office, but Jason was kind enough to let us move into his office in Surry Hills for the meantime, so we’ll be working out of here until his business partner finds out and she kicks us out onto the streets. He hasn’t told her yet, so he said that if she comes in, just to pretend like we are cleaners.

On top of that, I am already mad at both Chloe and Jason, because they won’t let me and Connor hire fluffers. They are talking about “Sexual Harassment” and “Law Suits” and “Occupational Health and Safety”… Pffffft. You can’t tell me Michael Bay hires his female leads because they can actually act?

Pfffffft. The golden age of film making is over. What’s the point of being a Director in the “fair and conscionable” days of 2011? I’m going back to labouring, where wolf-whistling at hot chicks made me cool, and men patted me on the back…. I didn’t even have to wear a shirt to that job.

Being a Director is boring.

Connor and I have both spoken before about one day when we get married, how we would just like to go off into the woods, and elope. Not even tell anybody that we were going to do it, just dissappear, share a romantic moment, and then return with rings and smiles. Hold on a sec…. I don’t mean me and Connor…. I mean… Like….. US AND OUR GIRLFRIENDS AT THE TIME! Marrying women, not each other. We are brothers, that’s sick. Like, fully sick. No, what I am talking about is raw, beautiful, mutual, non-blood-related, love. That doesn’t need to be expressed in an extravagant fashion, with expensive dresses, hundreds of guests, loud noises and excessive amounts of alcohol, just two people who love each other, a fiddler playing a spritely tune, and a celebrant of some sort. Perhaps under some green trees by a quiet stream, or on an empty beach with white sand and coral reefs.

What is so wonderful about this particular wedding ceremony of William Wallace’s, is that it is soon followed by one of the biggest, beastiest, blood thirsty vengeance dealings of cinematic history. After his sexy Scottish Mrs is taken away from him by a few sleazy Englishman, Wallace manages to tear the entire English settlement a new arsehole, by driving them out of his lands, violently murdering conspirators, and single handedly dominating for freedom. What a beast. And in the process of doing so, he glides along country sides to amazing music, and meets an even HOTTER chick who also falls in love with him.

She’s French, and looks like she would have the best smelling hair in the entire galaxy, and she is SO into him, because he’s a dominator, and doesn’t take any shit from anyone.

I hope to do all the same things as William Wallace, soon after I elope my bride, whoever the lucky lady turns out to be.

Cheers, Christiaan

About 18 months ago I was sitting in a boardroom, in an advertising meeting with some clients, trying to sell them a $260,000 Australian Eastern Seaboard outdoor advertising package for a massive brand they took care of.

An Account Manager who was responsible for the media planning and strategy for this massive brand (who had never spent with us before) was just asking me if they would be able to have live feeds coming in from their brand’s blog sites, that could appear on-screen within bus shelters Nationwide at the same time that they uploaded it online. We used to do that sort of thing, and had a department of people specifically dedicated to taking care of the concepts, technology, development and execution of such innovative ideas. As the sales team, we were under strict instruction from this innovations team, that they should be briefed and put in contact with the clients to organise this sort of execution, and that we shouldn’t agree to anything until they had okay’ed it first. We sales people weren’t considered particularly tech savvy, and we were far better at wining, dining, and getting a contract signed, than actually working out how technology can be applied on the street. The technology is one thing, but then there is also council permits, occupational health and safety, and road rules about what you can get away with. So what I’m trying to say is, yeah, we weren’t really qualified to approve these sorts of things for brands… But sometimes you just have to go with your gut.

“Yes. Of course we can do that for you. That is easy. No worries. Plan it in and we’ll make it happen. You can count on us.”

Then… I’ll worry about it later. If the client doesn’t sign off on the idea, then nobody will ever even know that I said yes! So I won’t get in trouble, and it may as well have never happened. And then on the other hand, if the client does sign, then we win $260,000 worth of brand new business and we are one step closer to our GIGANTIC sales targets, and that is enough for my bosses to love me, and I can just lean on the fact that “sorry, I needed to say yes to get the business over the line” and then everybody wins! Because that’s what you have to do in a GFC. You have to say yes now, and then work out how to do it later.

So a few weeks later the business did end up signing off, and we did win the $260,000 worth of new business. And I would be proclamed heroic, and people would remember me for all of time, and chant my name at every morning meeting. So when I got this glorious call from the client, they were like “yeah thanks for your help with that Christiaan, you’re awesome and your pee tastes like liquid gold” and I was like “yeah I know” and then the client was like “and your farts smell like CK One” and I was like “you know I don’t fart” and they were like “yeah” and then I was like “is it okay if I just sit here and tweak my nipples for a bit?” and they were like “no, that’s not okay” so I was like “yeah” and I tweaked them anyway because people can’t see through phones…. Anyway, after the small talk, they were like “we’d like to book the whole campaign, and please include the panels with the live blog feeds in all three major major Eastern Seaboard Markets. The client was particularly excited about that.”…. FUCK.

So I hung up the phone, and stood up over looking the office floor.

“What the fuck is a blog?”

I had some inter-departmental explaining to do, and some arses to kiss, but we worked it all out with a good enough result. We retained the business, the client was happy, and unfortunately some of us had to do some overtime. But that’s life. The fact is, that in life, and business, things don’t always go as they SHOULD. Things don’t always happen in the way that you would have liked them to.

For my brother Connor and I, amazing things have happened in the last 18 months, but it’s not exactly the way we would have liked them to. In hindsight, it’s fucking awesome, but it’s not in the way we would have planned it, or how it SHOULD have happened. But who’s to say if these things would have ever happened at all if things were different? Neither of us could have foreseen what we are doing together now, if you had asked us 18 months ago.

After a serious threat to my own physical health in the form of a violent infection called TB, led to six and a half months in hospital, then twelve months of post recovery, we found ourselves creating a very odd string of Youtube videos, and created an online life for a dude called The Fully Sick Rapper. Through the life that The Fully Sick Rapper lived online, my brother Connor and I were able to join forces and rise above all the shit, and all the negativity that comes with having a chronic disease, and make something positive to share with the world, to defeat the infection together…

During this process, we loved the fact that we were getting close again, and that we were creating together, so we decided to write a Fantasy story based on our last 18 months, and about two brothers challenging real life sickness with positivity and online creativity, through the fantastical world of the internet, where anyone can be anyone.

We submitted our idea as a potential TV series, along with a 3 minute trailer, into an MTV competition called the One 80 Project. We were lucky enough to win this, amongst some awesome competition, and as a result, we have been given a budget of AUD$180,000 to make the Pilot Episode, a National spot on MTV to Broadcast the Pilot, and an evening at a Cinema in Sydney to Premiere it to industry people and all of our mates.

18 months ago, I didn’t know what the fuck a blog was. Today, Connor and I are setting up this one, so that we can think out loud, share random thoughts about what we like, and share with you the kinds of things that are going to influence our new TV show. It is highly likely that we will make a massive fucking mess of things along the way while we are try to make our pilot, because this is the first time Connor and I have ever made ANYTHING with a budget, so I’m sure that might be funny to watch. And I guess we must be somewhat megalomaniacal, because we are Writing/Producing/Directing/Starring all under our new company “Van Vuuren Bros”, so there will be rants of taking over the world, mass plans of ee-vil, and hopefully some charitable do-goodings too. We also promise to share anything that we create together in the meantime, and probably some of our old stuff too, as well as bits and pieces from the team that we employ to work with on our Pilot.

To get you up to speed, here is a look at the 3 minute Trailer that we submitted to win us the Production Budget to make our show:

I hope that you find this blog to be an enjoyable read, and we would love for you to join in our conversation and share with us things that you love – movies, shows, videos and games that get you ticking, or anything else that influences you creatively.

Cheers, Christiaan Van Vuuren.